Bear with me today if you will. I’m still struggling with dealing with the death of my friend and colleague a few days ago. And since Thursday’s are for Thinking Out Loud, today seemed a good time to get some of my conflicting feelings out. So, if reading about death and loss isn’t what you’re looking for in blog reading today, please feel free to move on. I completely understand.
I feel a little guilty making a big deal of MY feelings. After all, my friend’s husband and family are going through hell right now. What right do I have to make this about me? Well, I’m not, really, I’m just sad and grieving, and Becky’s death just hit close to home. An active and fit, 60 year old cross country coach. Sound familiar? Alive one day, then suddenly gone.
I posted this quote the other day, and Coco replied on Twitter that she disagreed, that the world was brighter because of that light. That’s quite true. Some people bring so much to this world that they do light it up, and of course that light remains after they gone. In Becky’s case, that light is the children whose lives she influenced. But I still think that the world seems darker when the special people leave us.
Grief is somewhat selfish. The process includes anger, feeling of betrayal, loss, guilt, and so many other emotions that seem to make it all about the person grieving. “You left ME!!!” It is about the people left behind, of course, and all of those feelings are normal, necessary steps in coming to terms with the death of someone close.
The age 60 scares the hell out of me. That was Becky’s age. That was my dad’s age when he died too. My mom made it to 65, but still. I have three years until I hit the big 6-0. I’m not in a hurry.
My sister Sue was only 43 when she died from cancer. Forty-fucking-three. I still think about her every day and I have tears in my eyes as I write this, even though it was almost 12 years ago. Does the pain ever go away, or does the edge just get smoothed a bit so the loss is not quite overwhelming anymore?
One of the points in writing this, besides allowing me to
wallow in self pity work through my emotions, is to remind you (and myself), to take advantage of every moment that you have. Live fully, love deeply, laugh out loud, dance like no one is watching. Experience all that you can. And be sure to let your loved ones know how much you love them. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I linking up with Amanda today for Thinking Out Loud.