Bear with me today if you will. I’m still struggling with dealing with the death of my friend and colleague a few days ago. And since Thursday’s are for Thinking Out Loud, today seemed a good time to get some of my conflicting feelings out. So, if reading about death and loss isn’t what you’re looking for in blog reading today, please feel free to move on. I completely understand.
I feel a little guilty making a big deal of MY feelings. After all, my friend’s husband and family are going through hell right now. What right do I have to make this about me? Well, I’m not, really, I’m just sad and grieving, and Becky’s death just hit close to home. An active and fit, 60 year old cross country coach. Sound familiar? Alive one day, then suddenly gone.
I posted this quote the other day, and Coco replied on Twitter that she disagreed, that the world was brighter because of that light. That’s quite true. Some people bring so much to this world that they do light it up, and of course that light remains after they gone. In Becky’s case, that light is the children whose lives she influenced. But I still think that the world seems darker when the special people leave us.
Grief is somewhat selfish. The process includes anger, feeling of betrayal, loss, guilt, and so many other emotions that seem to make it all about the person grieving. “You left ME!!!” It is about the people left behind, of course, and all of those feelings are normal, necessary steps in coming to terms with the death of someone close.
I have lost too many people way too early. My father, my mother, and perhaps hardest of all because she was so young, my little sister. There is no rhyme or reason to it.
The age 60 scares the hell out of me. That was Becky’s age. That was my dad’s age when he died too. My mom made it to 65, but still. I have three years until I hit the big 6-0. I’m not in a hurry.
My sister Sue was only 43 when she died from cancer. Forty-fucking-three. I still think about her every day and I have tears in my eyes as I write this, even though it was almost 12 years ago. Does the pain ever go away, or does the edge just get smoothed a bit so the loss is not quite overwhelming anymore?
One of the points in writing this, besides allowing me to wallow in self pity work through my emotions, is to remind you (and myself), to take advantage of every moment that you have. Live fully, love deeply, laugh out loud, dance like no one is watching. Experience all that you can. And be sure to let your loved ones know how much you love them. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I linking up with Amanda today for Thinking Out Loud.
this is so very raw and beautiful.
I dont have much to add except I will never forget talking with a friend years after she buried her child. I asked if it ever got easier and she shook her head and said no that you only grow accustomed to the load.
xoxo
I can’t even imagine (or want to) losing a child. It has to be the worst thing that can happen to anybody. But that is a good way to phrase the pain.
I am so sorry, Debbie–I will definitely have you in my thoughts today. Death and grief and loss are some of the most horrific, but also, in my mind, beautiful moments in our lives and character. I say that because death reminds us of our mortality but also gives us a moment to tap into our compassion. Yes, grief is inherently selfish–but it also offers a moment to celebrate how much they meant to you. I hope that makes sense.
It makes a lot of sense. Thanks Susie.
So sorry to hear of this loss, Debbie. Your grief is just as real and valid as anyone else’s, there is no reason to feel guilty.
Thanks for your thoughts, Pamela.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is a terrible thing but necessary for healing. It’s so hard to make sense of death and it’s unlikely timing for those we love and really sometimes there is no reason or words that can suffice. I hope h the memories you have will bring you some peace in time.
Thank you so much Jill. I know all of that in my head. It’s just good to hear it from friends 🙂
I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain from this loss is real, so no need to feel guilty. I just lost my mom earlier this month and the pain I feel is imaginable, but I also know that her friends are feeling a huge loss as well. When good people leave this world, it hits us all.
Thanks Maureen. You’re right. I never felt bad when other people grieved about my mom (and there were a lot). I felt better actually, knowing how much she was loved.
I’m so sorry for your loss. What is amazing about grief is how different it is for everyone. And that’s okay. I’m glad you have this safe place to think out loud. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Carrie. I’m lucky because I have the outlet to write about it. It helps.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. The feelings are real and you definitely should not feel guilty. Hugs!
Thank you Angie. The title of your post is good advice for me!
I can feel your pain. It is NOT selfish to think out loud and share your pain. You need the support and love of your friends and family. I am here to say that I am wrapping my arms around. Not a moment has gone by when I wasn’t thinking about your grief. You are loved. There is nothing I can do to make it go away. Nothing. Sending you love, peace and protection.
You know, when we finally meet each other on Saturday, and we hug? I might just break into tears. Thank you so much for your love and support 🙂
I’m so sorry for your loss, Debbie 🙁 But please don’t feel bad about your feelings… or feel like you ever need to apologize for them. We’re all allowed to grieve… and dealing with loss is never an easy thing. I honestly don’t think it ever gets “easier” — you just kind of learn to live with it. Hugs and prayers for you and your friend’s family <3
Thanks Amanda. I know all this, but sometimes it’s hard to remember when you’re dealing with grief.
Not selfish at all to share about grief. In fact, I think the more that we share, the more we resist the urge to hold grief or anger inside.
Thanks Emily. If sharing is good I’ll be feeling better in no time. Nothing like a blog to help you work through feelings 🙂
I’m so sorry for your loss Debbie and it’s not selfish at all. The pain and grief is very much real. My Dad died when he was 42 and it’s scares the crap out of me as I approach that age. And I’ve found that the grief mellows out but it still lingers and can hit you unexpectedly at times. But I think that’s to be expected when we’ve had these special people in our lives. Sending you lots of love. xo
Thanks Christine. It’s funny when you lose a parent. You deal with it, life goes on, but suddenly it can be like you get hit in the gut with it all over again.
Debbie I’m so sorry. I’m glad you wrote this out. When great people go, it’s not only those closest to them that feel the loss.
Thanks Tiffany. You’re right. And writing it out does help.
The day I read this, I could not comment so just HUGE HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lovely post in honor of your friend. I’m sorry you’ve lost so many close to you at such young ages. Thinking of you during this difficult time.